#1 Tip for Non-Ejaculatory Orgasm

 I’m going to share my number one tip for men learning to experience non-ejaculatory orgasm, and this tip is basically to transition, or at least expand from having solely a lustful kind of visual imagery based experience of sex and arousal, and transition to more of a feeling. Sex is a feeling. Sex is fueling your body. This may sound a bit abstract but I’m going to break this down and explain what I really mean here because this is something that, when I really understood, dramatically changed my experience of sex and orgasm.

I would say one of the biggest barriers that hold a lot of men back from having an expanded orgasmic experience is being stuck in both their heads, in kind of mental imagery and thoughts about sex, and like visual stimulation, and obviously this comes from porn a lot of times, and this lust-driven approach to sex. I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with these things, but when this solely occupies how you experience sex or self pleasure, it really limits your sexual experience. I’ve had several men comment saying that basically when they’re practicing solo cultivation, when they’re stimulating themselves, they have a hard time ending the session without ejaculation. They often find that they feel kind of like angry or frustrated at the end of this sort of session.

And I suspect that part of this is very much in line with what I’m talking about here because I actually experienced this myself. I found that when it was just me, I would often feel kind of edgy at the end of a session. I’d felt almost like a bit of irritation or like this excessive fire that I hadn’t quite reached completion in my sexual experience. Now, as I reflect back on these experiences, I see that at the time I still had this very kind of lust-driven mental imagery based experience of sex and sexual pleasure. Meaning I was constantly seeing a sexual image in my mind. I had stopped watching porn at that time, but I still was focusing on sexual imagery in my mind and having every lustful thoughts. And this is nothing for me about morals like you know that “ thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife or something like that”. I’m not saying that it’s wrong to feel lust. It’s definitely not, but it’s when that becomes your sole experience of sex when you lose a sense of feeling. When the heart becomes disconnected from your sexual center of sex and love and we could say lust and love, heart and sexual center. When these become separated from each other, sex becomes a genital experience alone and one that usually requires an explosive outward flow of energy to feel satisfied.

So, what I start to do both in sex and in solo cultivation practices was really focus on getting away from mental imagery as far as sex and just fully focusing on my body. What am I feeling in the moment? Diving deeper into my feeling sense like “What does my spine feel like? What does my belly feel like? What does my chest feel like?” And I started to realize how disconnected I was from my body. I would say that, for me, naturally It was easier to get into my body during sex with a partner but I found that in my self-cultivation sessions, I was almost exclusively fantasizing and trying to build this arousal without really feeling what was actually happening in my body. What I was doing was over engaging both my head and my sexual center itself. So the energy was getting stuck. What I started to do was release any mental imagery, release any thought about sex and just feel completely what’s happening in my body.

Maybe in the beginning I would use a bit of fantasy just because sometimes in a self-stimulation setting, it’s not always easy get super aroused right away. So in the beginning, I’d use maybe a bit of fantasy but then once I was aroused I release any fantasy and just focus on my body, focus on keeping my breath slow and deep. Focus on feeling my entire body and just deeply feeling and relaxing and noticing how there was a tendency for me to want to tense up to intensify this sensitivity of my penis. Like squeezing the pelvic floor, which would increase the sensitivity but it would draw me more towards ejaculatory orgasms. I would completely relax whenever I started tensing up. Breathing deeply, making sound because this starts to break your old habits. Our old masturbation habits are probably sitting stiffly on a chair, fist pumping away, pelvic floor is tense, our whole body is tense, our mind’s tense.

So this new paradigm for myself of deeply feeling into my body,  just feeling “Can I feel the sexual pleasure in my spine?” It was almost like, as I started to do this, my spine became an extension of my penis. I can only explain like there was sex happening up my spine. It felt very intense. My spine became an erogenous zone and it started to transfer over to my whole body because I wasn’t focused on visuals and lustful thoughts and feelings. I was just feeling my body, allowing myself to feel. And most importantly opening up my heart center. This is the space that a lot of men are very closed in because as men in this world we often experience wounds in our childhood or maybe our teenage years. You learn to protect yourself in these situations by closing down your heart saying “well, I don’t feel anything. I’m the tough macho guy and you can’t make me feel anything.” And yes, this can help us in certain situation but sexually it locks us down. It removes our feeling so we get stuck in our genitals during sex and we can only ejaculate to feel completion.

What I started to experiment with during sex was because there’s a tendency during love making there’s visual stimulation, there’s sounds happening and if you’re not careful those things can pull you out of your own body and your experience and make your arousal level grow out of control. So what I found was that integrating the same thing in to sex where just feeling your body deeply, but not exactly detaching yourself from it just not being hyper focused on. For example the “eyes”. Men are very visual when it comes to sex. We like to look at body parts and things like that which is fine but when you want to expand your ability to control your arousal to higher levels without ejaculating and have expanded orgasms, deepening your feeling sense within your body. Simply noticing what you are feeling, not just in the penis but your whole body. This is really about releasing blockages in the body because tension and blockages go hand in hand when you have strong tension patterns the energy is often getting stuck there. So feeling throughout the body to eliminate tension.

To sum up what I’ve been sharing is getting away from being a solely visually stimulated person, certain images about sex and body parts. I challengeback to it but try to transition out of that for a period of time to where you’re just going to feel your body not have excessive fantasy or visual stimulation or lustful thoughts and feelings. Try to open up your feeling sense. Open up your heart, a feeling of love, self-love for yourself, love for your partner and respect and just feel your whole body as an integrated unit. Feel that how the arousal affects your entire body and tune into that deep feeling sense. It’s almost like you’re becoming a mediator during sex which is kind of the Jedi path to sexual Kung Fu. And it may take some time for you to transition into this but the more you start to add these principles into your practice, the more you will start to expand your sense of orgasm and your feeling of deep embodied sexual pleasure in a sustainable and enjoyable way.